Good morning or afternoon or evening, wherever you are located.
I am back after taking a week off of social media.
I haven’t slept much since last Friday, so many feelings, emotions and thoughts. I couldn’t get release from any of it. The craziness is everywhere and it’s gotten to me in a bad horrible way.
I tried to bury myself in my job, which is normally my coping mechanism that worked in the past, that didn’t help I mean I got my shit done but it didn’t help me with how I have been feeling. I sat in my office every day looking at the dark grey inlet, the dark grey curtains, then the purple on my walls and thought “WOW I need to brighten this up in here, it’s like a fucking cave!!” I don’t want to paint again but the inlet is going to be lighter in color and so are the curtains, so now to figure out what color goes nicely with the purple I chose and how to brighten my office up to make it more fun. It’s become my drab boring depressed office with no light, energy or fun. Any ideas would be nice.
I tried to write and do a 30 day journal challenge with my friend Melissa, I am stuck on day 2, it’s a hard one to write. I keep trying to catch up and it’s just too hard. I may turn it into a blogging challenge and just write it that way. I miss blogging.
I tried to read and couldn’t concentrate to get past page 60 of my book — Indigo Adults
I watched a few comedies, a few heartfelt dramas, a few scary ass movies, they didn’t help at all. Normally a good horror movie will knock the YUCK out of me. NOPE!! I watched IT Chapter Two and while it scared me to the point where I am still turning on all the lights, it didn’t knock anything out of me. Last night I sat on YouTube watching videos and giggling at the music. I watched those til I fell asleep on the bed, I think I fell asleep around midnight.
I shed so many tears this week, I cried so much, I bawled my eyes out at the way humanity is. I am sickened and disgusted with the way some people are, I know not everyone is like that, I know that there is good and bad in everyone. We are not all racists, homophobes, narcissists…..etc.
My heart goes to all who were affected by C-19, the rage that had been put out there due to shooting of innocent people, the riots and everything negative and evil that is out there.
I spent this entire week thinking, just thinking about everything. I did turn inside of myself, which did me no good at all. I faced my ugly side, the rage built up inside of me and I found myself hating myself even more than I ever have. I hate being overweight, I hate that I tend to get quiet instead of voicing myself when things upset me. I allow the rage to sit inside of me and it festers until it boils over and I lose my shit on everyone. I allowed my depression to get a hold of me this week, with all the negativity in the air and being stuck in the house with a curfew *thanks rioters or so called protestors*.
What good did all that do? What point did everyone prove by destroying other people’s property, causing chaos and ultimately spreading more hatred and fear into the world? Please tell me what good did any of this do?
I am going to say it out loud and if you disagree that is fine, it’s not up for debate!!
ALL LIVES MATTER!!
No matter your race, religion, sexual orientation, gender, employment status, living status…WE ALL FUCKING MATTER!!!
Every living creature, every human being, all of creation, every animal, every flying creature, every plant, every tree, every that lives and breathe air MATTERS!!!
We are all equally important in this world!!
We all matter!!
NO one is better than anyone else!
It’s time people to come together and CUT THE FUCKING SHIT!!!
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES!
TAKE CARE OF OTHERS!
THERE I SAID IT!! I NEEDED TO SAY IT!! I HAVE BEEN HOLDING IT ALL INSIDE AFRAID OF THE BACKLASH AND CONFRONTATION, I JUST DON’T CARE ANYMORE!
I need to speak my truth and no longer be silenced.