Today I am working my normal work day, well it’s my lunch now so I decided to write out what is on my mind. The last 6 months have been pure hell that is for sure!! I will say with this not able to go anywhere due to the shut downs from C-19 and the rioting, I am really coming face to face with my true inner self. At first I was so pissed off, full of rage and to be honest it grew into pure fury, I went past rage into full blown, pure, unadulterated fury. It hit it’s peak this past Saturday, when I exploded and very poorly too.
Saturday was my full blown, furious blow up, where the imploding turned to exploding. I was furious that we cannot go anywhere, Arizona has been in a nightly shut down at 8 p.m. due to the asshat rioters!! I get protesting but rioting puts me over the deep-end!! There is no point in destroying other people’s property or businesses, no purpose in looting businesses. That was not done in the name of anyone, it was done in pure malice and it did not do anyone any good at all. They destroyed businesses that were trying to come back after being shut down for so long, small family owned businesses that are how have to struggle more to get back on their feet!! It served no good purpose!! All it did was spread more hatred and rage into the Universe!!
Saturday, I was trying to get my hair trimmed as it really grew out of the beautiful cut I had done on Valentines Day of this year. I called a few of the hair salons here, I could not get into any place without a mask (which I refuse to wear), getting my temperature checked (I live in AZ what the fuck do you think my temp will be) and to pay an extra $4.00 so the salon can clean up due to C-19 (called a Covid fee). Are you shitting me????
To make matters worse, I was on the phone with one of my best friends, Melissa and she was telling me about how life is in NH. She just told me how Robert Frost’s farm was shut down due to C-19 and I put my phone down, screamed at the top of my lungs about how this is all bullshit and it needs to stop now!!! This country and world has turned to pure shit, I am disgusted by it all. I am ashamed and disgusted of how humans are.
To make matters even more worse I could not get the truck to pair with my iPhone for whatever reason, I blame the truck!! That was the breaking point for me, I lost my shit and punched the truck. I punched our truck door so hard that I bruised my entire left hand, mind you I am left handed and so it hurts still today. I was going with Ron while he got his hair cut at the barber his supervisor told him about, no masks, no temp checks, no social distancing, none of that!! While I sat in the truck stewing in my fury, the barber told Ron to tell me to come sit inside out of the heat (100 degree heat here). Ron told him he didn’t think that was a good idea as I was so pissed off. He told him my story about my hair, the barber told him to come get me and the other guy that works there can cut my hair. Well, Ron and the other guy came to get me, the other guy was really nice, the barber shop looks like you stepped back in time. He listened to what I wanted done and said he has a cosmetology license and he could do what I wanted. Well he did a razor cut to my hair, I am not the happiest person with my hair right now, it’s blue cause we dyed it that way a few weeks ago, I hate the blue. I didn’t get the cut I really wanted but whatever, what is done is done.
I am going back to chocolate cherry or dark auburn, letting it grow out and be done with cutting for a long time as no one can cut my hair the way I want it done other than over at Tony and Guy salon in the Tucson Mall.
Over the course of the weekend, we went to Burger King which I do not eat at all, not in a long time, I don’t like fast food at all. We walked around Dollar General and then went to CVS so I can get my facial wash and moisturizer that I use (Aveeno), yes I am a snob!! As we were walking around CVS I realized how much I missed doing that with Ron, he used to work at a CVS here in Tucson and I loved walking around that store. I started thinking that I do not need expensive makeup like I love using I can settle for the drug store makeup, until I talked to my sister Erin, when I realized I get what I pay for. I will continue to use the expensive stuff as it’s better for my skin.
We went to Home Depot to get more plants for our garden. We went to the 99 cent store for bandanas for my hair until it grows out better, I found decals for my office wall and mirrors. While I don’t mind going to then 99 cent store, I would rather buy quality stuff instead of cheaply made products. We went to Ace so I can buy a new trowel for the garden, case in point, I bought a cheap pair of gloves and trowel somewhere else and they fell apart. I would rather pay good money for better quality products that last a while. What was nice is that I don’t have the influence of so many other people telling me what to buy or what not to buy, where to shop and so on. It all dawned on me this past weekend, that I am finally free of so many people and free of their opinions for my life. I am free and at peace with it.
This is where this post comes from.
I realized my self worth this weekend and realized that I am finally free from all those other people. I want to say that I don’t miss them anymore either. I no longer crave anyone’s opinion for my hair color, clothing style or anything. I found my peace it’s been long coming!!!
My self worth is not in my size of my clothes, even though I want to lose weight to feel better health wise. I want to be able to go for a walk and not get winded. I want to be able to get on a bicycle and ride it comfortably. I want to be able to go hiking and not get sick or winded.
My self worth is not in what I own. I do want nicer things in my home as it’s my home and I want my home to be a reflection of who I am.
My self worth is not in my career or how much money I make. I love what I do for a living. I love helping others. I love coaching others to be the best advisors that they can be.
I am worthy of so much and I deserve to be happy.